I Know That You Are For Me

"God is love. He didn’t need us. But he wanted us. And that is the most amazing thing."

Rick Warren

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UbSMfL5LuSo

Sometimes, without us even realizing it, God will remind us of His love and compassion.

This song is amazing, it helps me to remember that God is for me! He is never against me. Anything that He has laid in front of me is already planned. He has never given me anything that I can't handle. I know this because I have already overcome everything just by knowing Him.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
What a gracious God. He holds us, everyday, whether we see Him or not. We usually only see it when we need Him most. How amazing is it though that we can run to Him when our hearts are hurting and when we feel like there is no where else to turn.
He makes us new everyday.
He knows our every move and still loves us just the same.
The fact that He loves us and wants us is too much to comprehend. Most people, growing up, feel unwanted in someway or another, but just to realize that a God created you because He wanted you, is so astounding.
I love that I have a God to run to when times are hard, or when I need to feel the love of a father.
He is for me and I know that He will never forsake me in my weaknesses.

Exodous 15:2

Exodus 15:2
The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father's God, and I will exalt him.
This week has been such an emotional roller coaster for me. I woke up Sunday morning remembering how my grandfather used to wake me up with a cold rag and slowly patted my face until I would open my eyes. Him and my grandmother would sing "good morning" and argue over what tie my grandfather would wear. I would watch Gerber on tv and look forward to going to Sunday School with my grandparents for the free doughnuts and smell of coffee. They had so many friends who I considered to be my friends too and we all went to Luby's afterwards where I got the same thing for lunch every week.

Having that to look forward to every weekend gave me the strength to go through my week at home. My grandparents were, and still are, God's reflection in my life. Seeing the way they live their life and loved on me made me see God's love and want me to love on those around me.

I have so much love and adoration for my grandfather, but growing up, I always knew that God was and is my father. Without the strength of God, I WOULD not be who I am today. He has poured out grace and mercy on my life and I sometimes feel like I am drowing in it. Like the David Crowder Band song says, "If his grace is an ocean, we are all sinking."

God has been really moving in my life this week. I have just been so overwhelmed by his presence and compassion. God and  I have a song, "Come thou Fount." He always plays this song on the radio when I need that reassurance that He is with me and when I need Him to still my soul. When I was driving to church on Sunday, I knew God was telling me I needed to play that song because we needed to have one of our moments. I didn't want to play it though, I was pouting and wanted to dwell in my self-pity.  When I got to church, I started realizing that I was missing my grandfather terribly, which was a reason why I was in such a foul mood that morning. I sat in my usual row with my friends and husband and was trying to prepare my heart for worship. The worship leader started speaking and took the words right out of my head. He said, let's prepare our hearts, we are going to sing, "Come thou Fount." I embarassed myself because the first words I said was, "shut-up." Of course my husband and friends didn't know why I spoke those words right before chuch, but I knew that God was telling me that I needed to listen to what He had to say. After that song, the worship pastor started talking about not having a father and that the fatherless really needed to be listening to what God was telling them and let the Spirit move through them. That was it, I was bawling and I could just feel God overwhelm me and I knew that God knows how much I miss my grandfather, but that He is here for me and I am never alone.

The last song that we sang was, "How He Loves," which is the song from above by David Crowder Band. I just knew that God was telling me that He is not letting me go anywhere, He is not going to let me fall while I am under such stress, and He is my father and loves me and takes joy in me pouring out my love on others.

Had a bad day?

Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep. -Carl Sandburg
I tend to take the phrase, "I had a bad day," with a little panache. I believe that it can always be worse, I try to stay on the sunny side and pray that it will only go up from where I am when I feel like I am at the bottom. Today was a day that tried to be a bad day, but I wouldn't let it. It all started when my husband and I had to wake up at 6:30 in the morning to go and get his drivers license renewed. I didn't mind waking up early, we were both off today and I love doing everything together when we have the day off. That actually went well, it only took us about thirty minutes there, and then from that we went to my university, UTA, to check on my financial aid and finally change my last name for my school records. My name change went well, but their printer was broken so they couldn't print off my transcript for me to take to the community college that I am taking a summer class at...great. Then, I found out that there are no financial aid opportunities available for the summer, so my husband and I had to cancel our one year anniversay plans in order to start saving the $2022.00 it will cost for my summer classes. Believe me, it does get worse... I was so distressed that we weren't going to be able to make our plans happen for our anniversary because our honeymoon was shot when our car broke down in the desert in New Mexico and we had to stay in this little town, but that's a different story. Anyways, after we left UTA, feeling dismayed, I was still trying to look on the optimistic side, trying to search for anything to make this day better. As we were driving home in my husband's car, his air conditioner decides to stop working, and right as that happens, I get really nausious and start throwing up. It isn't even 9:00 in the morning yet. We derail our other plans and head home to rest. We watch a movie and take a nap until about 1pm. From there we wake up, eat lunch, and head to my car to go to walmart to go grocery shopping. When we get in my car, we realize that it won't start. Mind you that it hasn't been acting up at all and there was nothing leading me to believe that it was about to break down. So, still not trying to get too terribly upset, we get in my husband's car and go ot walmart. When we get there, we see our old neighbor...the crazy one who sent us stalker emails... We take an extra 30 minutes to walk around all of the different departments in hopes to not see her. Once we knew she had left, we go back to our shopping. We managed to spend pretty much what we had budgeted for and then head back home.

In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.
-Albert Einstein

The way I see it is that we make our own happiness. No matter what is going on around us, we have to see opportunities to love and see the good. There will always be difficulties, but what matters is how we handle the situation. The Bible says that God has all our our days written, and that He knows what every day will hold for us. We just have to believe that there is nothing that will happen that He knows we can't handle and just have faith that He will help us through it, no matter what it is.            

You are God alone, so I am not alone

These lyrics come from the song, I AM, by Bebo Norman.
I always love to listen to this song when I start to feel alone, or like I just want to give up!

Come along, I'll walk you through the world
And we will sing a different song
All along you have unfurled
But I will hold you from now on
I saw the day when you had lost your way
I saw the sun sinking low
I saw the night, remember how you cried
But don't you know you're not alone
No, you're not alone

I am in the sun, I am in the shade
I am in the light that love has made
I am in the cold, I am in the warm
I am in the center of your storm
I am in the fire, I am in the flood
I am in the marrow and the blood
When you cannot stand...I am

Come with me, I'll take you to the sea
And it will be all beautiful
And all the water that covers everything
Cannot compare to my love
FOr you my love

I am in the sun, I am in the shade
I am in the light that love has made
I am in the cold, I am in the warm
I am in the center of your storm
I am in the fire, I am in the flood
I am in the marrow and the blood
When you cannot stand...I am

WHen the light won't come
When your breath is gone
WHen your hope is done
Just look at me, look at me

I am in the sun, I am in the shade
I am in the light that love has made
I am in the cold, I am in the warm
I am in the center of your storm
I am in the fire, I am in the flood
I am in the marrow and the blood
When you cannot stand

I am in the sun, I am in the shade
I am in the light that love has made
I am in the cold, I am in the warm
I am in the center of your storm
I am in the fire, I am in the flood
I am in the marrow and the blood
When you cannot stand...I am

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love1 John 4:18

This last friday when I went to the Good Friday service, this scripture was laid on my heart. The pastor started talking about how Jesus was on the cross, and the people mocked Him. They told Him that if He was the son of God then he should send angels down from Heaven to help him down, but he didn't.

Now that I am about to be a Senior in college, I have so many fears. I fear that I won't graduate, and even if I do, I'm going to school to be a teacher, so will there even be a job for me?
There are so many other fears, but I know that they are pointless.

I keep telling myself, why would God keep me in school and make it possible for me to go every semester and graduate if it wasn't His intention for me to be a teacher? Why would I have so much passion and love for kids if I wasn't meant to be a teacher.

I fear failure for my future life and I fear the possiblity of not being a good parent. I fear not being the perfect wife and just not being the perfect person.

I know that these things are ridiculous, and that I should never have that much fear. If fear is in my heart and overtaking it, then how can I let love in? The Bible specifically says that we should not fear, and I realized that it is because if we have fear in our hearts, then we can not have love in our hearts.

Through writing this blog and just taking time to listen and clear my mind, I have realized so much about myself. I can tell that I have a lot to change and a lot to grow in. I know that I still have much more growing to do, more patience to learn, and more love to give.

7X70 times

Isn't this a difficult concept? I have probably tried forgiving my parents twice in my life. I always felt like the moment I forgive them, they do something to irritate me more. This song was very moving for me. It's by Chris August and it's called 7 times 70 times. He talks about the same experiences that I had growing up in a house with parents that fought and broke a family. It's so hard to know how to love when you aren't loved by your own parents. I know that it is by grace I have been saved! If it hadn't of been for my young self going to church and experienceing the beauty of Christ at such a young age, I probably never would have been able to learn to love. This is why this blog is so important for me. I want people to know that love is the deepest emotion a person can feel, it is also the emotion that people act on the most. Without it, a person simply can not live.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n5-Q1zAhqpA&feature=related

Love Never Fails

Growing up, I was never close with either of my biological parents. They both were more intersted in themselves than to care for my two younger sisters and me. I thank God everyday for the family he provided outside of my parents. My mother's side of the family became a stronghold for us. They became the source of light that was needed for this unconvential world that my sisters and I were being raised in. I saw more than most people see in their life by the time I was 10. I had seen my mother attempt to murder my father several times, I had seen my father drunk, high, and even both at the same time. I had met more drug dealers than your average dope head, and I had been abused by many of my parent's friends, both physically and emotionally. I am not sure what my sisters remember because they are about 4 and 5 years younger than me, but I know that these experiences have given us three girls a different look on life. When I was 10, my parents finally decided to get a divorce. Even though they had only been married for about 5 or 6 years, my father and mother just wouldn't and couldn't make it work.
             Why am I mentioning this small amount of detail you may be asking? It's because I wanted to shed light on the fact that my life has never been ideal. Despite all of the awful things that happened to my sisters and I, we still managed to find happiness in the every day. I always knew I was different from the other kids at school. I didn't know how, I just knew. It wasn't until I started experiencing the grace of God in about the 8th grade that I realized my life was special. My grandmother always told me about how when I was being christened the pastor that was holding me said there was something special about me. I had always thought she just told me that story because she was proud of me, but the more I felt God's presence, the more I knew I was set apart.
            I started feeling the need to get involved with my church's youth group in the 9th grade. I was immediately welcomed by it's members and felt like I finally had found a place where I belonged. By having all of those Christian friends, I started to feel my self-esteem rise. I joined the youth choir and started going to summer camp. I met my first boyfriend and I was thankful because besides my grand-father, he was the first Christian guy I had ever known. Even though our little relationship wasn't meant to last, I thank God for it because I know it was His way of showing me what a Christian guy should resemble, and what I needed to look for in my future relationships. Obviously I didn't want to be involved in any type of a relationship like that of my parents, but I didn't really know what to look for. By joining that group, I met so many amazing people. I fell in love with God and this group of friends he had me apart of. I felt, and I was so blessed to be surrounded by people who loved me in a Christ-like way. I didn't feel lonely anymore, and it made me start to realize what love is, and why it never fails!

busy...busy...busy

"Beware the barrenness of a busy life." Socrates

I have come to realize that being busy with life is making me miss life. Between school, work, packing for my move, and trying to balance my relationships, my mind is melting with exhaustion. I don't want to be sulky, but when life hands me lemons, I just get sour. I am usually the person who enjoys my freedom, I look forward to my days off and want so desperately to just go to an art museum and sit and stare at a painting. I want to go to the coffee shop around the corner and listen to the local music. I want to go to the beach and read my favorite book, or just lay on the couch and watch lifetime movies all day. I need quiet time in my life. I am a reflective person and I long for the days when I can just be quiet and think. Being busy though, makes that impossible. You are probably wondering what this has to do with love. I write this because it has come to my attention that the busier I get, the more self-consuming I become. I understand that the hustle and bustle is almost a requirement now days in order to "survive," but sometimes I want more than just to survive. I show love by helping and spending time with family and friends. When I don't have time to show my love and helpfulness, I tend to recoil in to my own being. My heart needs to show love, and without the time or energy to do it, I start to grow barren. I start to feel like I have no point in this life. If my purpose is to be love, then I need to love. In order to really feel like I'm living, I need to be love. I must find time in my chaotic life to be love.