A Story Because I Can't Sleep...

I am returning to teach tomorrow after being off for 2 weeks. I am both excited to return, and dreading to have to wake up to professional attire and deadlines. Obviously I'm writing this because I can't sleep. My son is screaming in the next room because we are trying to put him back on his schedule. He was sick for over a week sand was held every night, but that clearly can't continue.

Anyways, on to the story I promised because I can't sleep...

It was a calm night, possibly in the middle of June, right before the summer solstice. The wind barely whistled through the trees and the boat that Lucy was on was slowly bobbing up and down. She was exhausted from having a day filled with the sun. She laid on the deck and let the subtle wind dry her hair as she thought about all she had done that day. Memories of fishing and swimming flooded her brain and she smiled. She reminded herself that she had caught the biggest fish anyone in Locktown had ever seen. She smiled at the thought of splashing her friends and family in the quaint tide pool they had stumbled upon while riding their bikes in to town. She reflected on the busy day she had and couldn't help but feel overcome with happiness. She started drifting off to sleep as she let the waves rock her to a dreamy place. A place that she felt comfortable in.

Am I missing out?

Unfortunately I am a working mother. I love my job, but I love my family more. My time with them is so limited that at times it almost seems unbearable. I never want Evan to feel like he is second to my career. 

He is the reason that I work so hard. I became a teacher because I know I have an overwhelmingly amount of love for children. I just didn't know how much I could love my own son.

They say you don't know love until you are a parent, and it's so true. 

Everything Evan does is an amazing little miracle. He has never disappointed me and I can't imagine that he ever will.

He truly is a miracle from God.

I know in my heart that God has me where I am for a purpose. I also know that once he is in school I will be able to bring him with me every day. 

I will get to give him a kiss on the cheek as he enters in to his classroom and I will get to hear all about his day on the drive home.

Education is so incredibly important and I feel that by me being a teacher, he is already ahead of the game. He is only 14 months old and knows about 20 words!

Sure, he can't walk yet, but I believe it's because he doesn't want to.

I am biased, but I believe that he is incredibly smart. I will do my best every day to encourage him to make the right choices and push him to be the best that he can be!

Happy 1st Birthday, Evan

I can't believe you are already one! This past year has flown by. I wanted to take this time to talk about some of my favorite memories with you this past year.

My memories with you really begin in January of 2013. I went to the hospital 3 times before you were actually born. You were so big. You used to kick me, hiccup, and just move constantly it seemed like.

The night I went in to labor, I had just had a baby shower At Hampton for you. I fell asleep around 9, but woke up at midnight feeling like you were going to fall out of me. I laid in bed while your father slept and started counting my contractions. I finally convinced your dad to take me to the hospital around 4am. We saw the nurse around 6 and she said you were going to be born! Your dad and I got so excited! We called everybody to tell them that our sweet baby boy was going to be born!

You were born at 5:37pm and you were 7 pounds 13oz. You were 2 weeks early exactly. Dr. Jackson handed you to me and you looked straight into my eyes and you knew that I was your mom. You had the sweetest blue eyes

When I was holding you, the nurse said she didn't like the way you sounded when you were breathing. I was so scared! You were my new baby and I was worried you were going to have something wrong with you. The nurse and your dad went to the NICU and I had to go to my room, alone. I was so sad and scared. I didn't sleep at all that night, I just wanted to hold you, but I couldn't walk because I had been cut open.

The next day your dad wheeled me down to see you, and I got to feed you for the first time. You only stayed in the NICU until that afternoon, then you got to come and stay in the room with me and dad. I was so excited. I knew you were going to be ok.

We went home that Sunday, the 10th. Uncle Josh and Aunt Kristin helped us take you home. I stayed up so many nights just staring at you and kissing you! Aunt Jodi came and stayed a few days with us to help give me advice and rest. I was off work for 7 weeks with you! The best time of my life!

We moved out of that apartment in Irving in may to Carrollton to a town home called Lakehill townhomes in unit 8D. We spent our first summer there. It flew by, as our time together always does. 

My favorite memory is when you were 4 or 5 months old, I took you to an indoor waterpark and you LOVED playing in the water. Pretty soon after that you started splashing like crazy I the tub. 

Some of my favorite memories of our first year include staying up with you countless hours for weeks on end and just staring at you, making sure you were breathing. 

I loved watching you discover new skills, like when you first learned how to spit. I never should have laughed at that, because you never stopped. 

I celebrated my first Mother's Day with you by having you be dedicated to The Lord, how precious! 

We celebrated several firsts, including your first word, mama! 

It was rainy and icy on Halloween, so we had to wait a few days and we went to the trunk or treat atCovenant. 

We celebrated Thanksgiving in Anna, then drove to Denton. We went to our first back Friday sale where I couldn't stop finding gifts for you, but of course I only got you 4.

Christmas was wonderful! You got SO MUCH!! I had n idea what we were going to do with it all. 

Then, came time for me to plan your first birthday. It was 2 weeks before Uncle Josh's and Aunt Kristin's wedding. We had at least 40 people come to see you and celebrate you! We had it on Sunday, February 9. You had your very own cake and got so much stuff! I had you in yellow skinny jeans, an Incredible Hulk shirt and black chucks. Oh yeah, and aunt amy cut your hair that morning! 

My purpose in writing this is so that you will know 2 things.

1. You are SO loved. Not just by me, your dad, our family, or our friends, but also by our Heavenly Father. I know He has a purpose and plan for you, and my prayer daily is that you will always seek His wisdom and guidance. While God has given us free choice, it is imperative that you die to your will daily and stay on that narrow road that God has so delicately prepared for you.

2. I want you to remember that every day, every second of your life is a testament to God. There will always be people wanting to bring you down, but remember that you are strong! Evan means God is gracious and I want you to be humble, purposeful, and loving every day of your life.

Spitting Baby

"A baby is born with a need to be loved - and never outgrows it."

It's 5 o'clock in the morning on July 12, 2013. I just got over being sick with bronchitis and a sinus infection and I missed not being able to hold my sweet, 5 month old baby Evan. You woke me up at 4:30 with a high pitched squeal. You had somehow managed to completely cover your face with a blanket that Mrs. Holland had made you. I took the blanket off your eyes to reveal your sweet smile. Perk-a-boo is one of your favorite games,that is after spitting. For literally the last 15 minutes, I've laid here on our couch in our town home while you have been spitting and making faces at me. It's all I can do to not burst out in to laughter at you with your silliness. You should be getting a tooth now any day and you take so much joy in spitting. Yes, I have taken several videos of you doing this to show you when you get older. Yes, I do plan on going in to your room at 5 or 6 in the morning when you are a teenager to make spitting sounds to keep you awake at night. Just kidding, although the thought has crossed my mind several times. I have to be at a meeting in 5 hours, but I haven't slept yet, oh well! 

You are starring at me in hopes of a response of laughter, and I'm trying my hardest to avoid eye contact and just write this out. 

Your smile is so enchanting and you are so sweet. I can't wait to see how your personality develops as you grow in to a young man of God.

Did I mention your new obsession with your feet? When I pause from writing to check to make sure you're ok, all I see is your feet up in the air and you trying to eat your toes. 

I love you so much with a love that is different from any other kind. You are my baby boy, and I will do my best to guide you down the road God has called you to take.

Why won't you sleep?

It's 11:07pm on Wednesday, April 24, 2013. Your dad is on his way home from work, and I am exhausted! I have to wake up in about 6 and a half hours to go teach some kindergartners at Hampton Preparatory. It's my first year teaching, I just graduated from college a year ago at the age of 25.
I'm watching you with your eyes wide awake in your swing, fighting your sleep. You are wearing a blue, long sleeved, footsie, onesie with jungle animals printed all over it that Coral gave you in the hospital when you were born. You are kicking your feet and punching your arms and making random whiny "ah" sound. You have been up since about 8:30 this morning and spent all day playing with daddy until mommy could get home to see you!
I'm saying all of this because its a picture I want to remember. Even though I'm dead tired and I would love nothing more than for my head to hit the pillow, I can't sleep either.
You are so precious and so loved. I prayed over you tonight for God to move in your life and for you to witness his grace and love daily. I prayed for God to shield your heart and your eyes from this world. It is not the same place from when I was a little girl. I prayed that while I know that you have to grow up, you will always show your father and me respect and not be embarrassed by us, but remember that we will always have your best interest at heart. I look at you and thank God that I got to witness a miracle. I got to help bring a precious and beautiful life in to this world! You are so important and so valuable, I will tell you everyday how loved you are!
The other night I was putting away your newborn clothes and sobbing. You will be 3 months old next week. I can't believe how fast time is going by. Before I know it, I will have to share you with the love of your life. I'm already praying for that person. In life, we accept the love that we think we deserve. Remember this when dating and looking for "the one." God is working on your soulmate daily and when the moment is right for both of you, God will ordain that special time and place and you will know.
This is still far in to the future, but this is just an example of what I think about when I look at your beautiful, chubby face and love, loving you!
You are my son and you will always be my most precious gift.

A Letter to My Son

1 John 5:4 For everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith.

 

Dear Evan,

 

You have your whole life ahead of you and I am so excited to see where God takes it! This world is not the easiest place to live. There are trials and temptations that you will not be able to avoid, no matter how deeply I wish you could. If it were up to me, your life would be flawless and perfect. If that were to happen though, you would never be able to experience the love and grace of God. He has a special place for you in this world, I know it. I prayed every day for you while I carried you in my womb and I still continue to pray for you daily. I pray that you acknowledge His presence daily and that you remain faithful, no matter what is thrown your way. When the world closes a door, let God open another one.

Take time to worship and revel in His presence daily. Allow yourself to cry and be vulnerable. To be a man of God in this world is one of the most difficult things you will have to do, but it is so worth it. You have your father and me here to cheer you on and to be your confidants. I have wanted nothing more for you from the day I learned of your existence than to be a child of God and to grow up to be a man of God.

I pray that your heart will be overwhelmed with the love of God. I pray that you will see the world through the eyes of the Lord. Your name means "God is Gracious" and I want you to experience His grace. Allow yourself to feel His hands on your life and reach out for Him. There is nothing more beautiful than experiencing His presence when you worship.

Never be afraid to lift your hands in his name. Dance when you feel like dancing and cry when you feel like crying, because there is nothing more free than feeling His grace and mercy wash over you when you are in His presence.

I will always be by your side and encourage you to seek the Lord in every situation. As long as you keep your faith, there is nothing that man can throw your way that the Lord can not help you to overcome.

This life will not be easy, but through the love and grace of God, you will see His goodness and mercy. He will shine a light on your life and lead you down a path that will protect your heart and mind. I will do everything I can to encourage you to follow that path.

 Never be afraid to seek after the wisdom of those older than you. Even though your father and I have made mistakes in our lives, we have seen God through all of them. Never think any situation is too small because this life is unexpected and there are other forces that will interfere with the Lord's desire for your life.You are surrounded by people who love you and who want nothing but good things for your life.

You will never be alone. God's grace will always be upon you. Allow the King of King's to guide you in the way of everlasting life and you will see miracles and witness a love that you never knew possible. Bind your heart to the Lord and in all your ways acknowledge Him.

God will only give me what I can handle...

“I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.”
-Mother Teresa

Even though I am not Catholic, Mother Teresa's words reign true for me.

My whole life, God has been there with me, every step of the way. In fact, sometimes I look back and try to find a time when He wasn't there, but I know that even in my most difficult situations, He had His fingerprint on me.

I graduate from college in less than 5 weeks with my teaching degree, and I can not wait to get in to my very own classroom and start loving on my students. I always knew that whatever I was going through in life, that it would be for a purpose. I see students everyday in the hallways and I can literally feel their pain. I want to pull them aside and talk to them. I really want to get to know them and share their burdens. I want them to know that God is love and that He loves them.
It's a little lame, I know, but there is a KJ-52 song called Right Here. In the song, there are some lyrics that say...

I cant say that I know just what you're dealing with
But it's so plain that it shows just what your feelings is
But I suppose that your pain that you're living with
It comes and goes and fills your mind now with hopelessness
But I know someone who comes with life to give
And His love is the reason why my life can live
Just one touch is all you're needing 'Cause He died to give you so much but you can't see 'cause you struggle with
So many things up in your life you're frustrated with
Nothing seems to be going right I know you're hating it
But let me tell you see I've been through what you experienced
And I've come to see the source of who my healing is
If it's divorce or anything else making it hard to live
I gotta tell you you can make it just through all of this
'Cause everywhere you go He's there for you it's obvious
Don't be scared no more

This is a message I want to stress to my students. When I see them walking through the door with the weight of the world on their little shoulders and with a tired look in their eyes because they haven't slept since last weekend, I weep for them. I want them to see God's love. I know that some of them have Christian parents or Christian relatives, but for those who don't and see no light at the end of the tunnel for them, I want to be God's light. I know that I have gone though everything I have so that I can literally say to my students, I know what you are going through. I know that God can trust me with His precious children. I make it my mission every day to walk in to that classroom with my own personal troubles behind me and to focus on the lives of the kids. I want them to remember me as a person they can go to with their problems and I will be there for them, even 20 years after they graduate. I want them to know that teaching is not a career choice, but a lifestyle. I was born a teacher, and re-born as a Christian. I have experienced God's love and grace and I know that no matter how heavy the load, God will only give me what I can handle...and if my life has taught me anything, it's that God trusts me with a lot.

When I need the reminder...

If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. -Jeremiah 29:13

"When my hope is gone, when the fear is strong
When the pain is real, when it's hard to heal
When my faith is shaken and my heart is broken and my joy is stolen, God I know that

You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty,
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
Find you in the place I'm in, find you when I'm at my end,
Find you when there's nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness.
You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty,
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I'll find you on my knees."

It's so amazing to know that the God we serve is always present. He probes our hearts and knows our desires. He wants us to search for Him and He promises that if we do, we will find Him. What greater love is there?
He is on our side, no matter what.
He pursues us and desires us.
He seeks us out and calls us by name.
He is my father in Heaven. the God I can call upon when I am weak.
He is the God I praise when I am strong.

I have always had a peace in my life because this is something I realized at a young age. To know that God has a plan and a purpose for my life is comforting. This world is a difficult place, full of hard times and unsure things. Having God in my life assures me that I will have comfort when I need it, a place to go when I need Him, and a hope that I can always trust in.

Now faith is being sure of what you hope for, and certain of what you can not see...
God is what I hope for and I am certain of  my future because I know that God is a part of it.

I Know That You Are For Me

"God is love. He didn’t need us. But he wanted us. And that is the most amazing thing."

Rick Warren

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UbSMfL5LuSo

Sometimes, without us even realizing it, God will remind us of His love and compassion.

This song is amazing, it helps me to remember that God is for me! He is never against me. Anything that He has laid in front of me is already planned. He has never given me anything that I can't handle. I know this because I have already overcome everything just by knowing Him.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
What a gracious God. He holds us, everyday, whether we see Him or not. We usually only see it when we need Him most. How amazing is it though that we can run to Him when our hearts are hurting and when we feel like there is no where else to turn.
He makes us new everyday.
He knows our every move and still loves us just the same.
The fact that He loves us and wants us is too much to comprehend. Most people, growing up, feel unwanted in someway or another, but just to realize that a God created you because He wanted you, is so astounding.
I love that I have a God to run to when times are hard, or when I need to feel the love of a father.
He is for me and I know that He will never forsake me in my weaknesses.

Exodous 15:2

Exodus 15:2
The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father's God, and I will exalt him.
This week has been such an emotional roller coaster for me. I woke up Sunday morning remembering how my grandfather used to wake me up with a cold rag and slowly patted my face until I would open my eyes. Him and my grandmother would sing "good morning" and argue over what tie my grandfather would wear. I would watch Gerber on tv and look forward to going to Sunday School with my grandparents for the free doughnuts and smell of coffee. They had so many friends who I considered to be my friends too and we all went to Luby's afterwards where I got the same thing for lunch every week.

Having that to look forward to every weekend gave me the strength to go through my week at home. My grandparents were, and still are, God's reflection in my life. Seeing the way they live their life and loved on me made me see God's love and want me to love on those around me.

I have so much love and adoration for my grandfather, but growing up, I always knew that God was and is my father. Without the strength of God, I WOULD not be who I am today. He has poured out grace and mercy on my life and I sometimes feel like I am drowing in it. Like the David Crowder Band song says, "If his grace is an ocean, we are all sinking."

God has been really moving in my life this week. I have just been so overwhelmed by his presence and compassion. God and  I have a song, "Come thou Fount." He always plays this song on the radio when I need that reassurance that He is with me and when I need Him to still my soul. When I was driving to church on Sunday, I knew God was telling me I needed to play that song because we needed to have one of our moments. I didn't want to play it though, I was pouting and wanted to dwell in my self-pity.  When I got to church, I started realizing that I was missing my grandfather terribly, which was a reason why I was in such a foul mood that morning. I sat in my usual row with my friends and husband and was trying to prepare my heart for worship. The worship leader started speaking and took the words right out of my head. He said, let's prepare our hearts, we are going to sing, "Come thou Fount." I embarassed myself because the first words I said was, "shut-up." Of course my husband and friends didn't know why I spoke those words right before chuch, but I knew that God was telling me that I needed to listen to what He had to say. After that song, the worship pastor started talking about not having a father and that the fatherless really needed to be listening to what God was telling them and let the Spirit move through them. That was it, I was bawling and I could just feel God overwhelm me and I knew that God knows how much I miss my grandfather, but that He is here for me and I am never alone.

The last song that we sang was, "How He Loves," which is the song from above by David Crowder Band. I just knew that God was telling me that He is not letting me go anywhere, He is not going to let me fall while I am under such stress, and He is my father and loves me and takes joy in me pouring out my love on others.

Had a bad day?

Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep. -Carl Sandburg
I tend to take the phrase, "I had a bad day," with a little panache. I believe that it can always be worse, I try to stay on the sunny side and pray that it will only go up from where I am when I feel like I am at the bottom. Today was a day that tried to be a bad day, but I wouldn't let it. It all started when my husband and I had to wake up at 6:30 in the morning to go and get his drivers license renewed. I didn't mind waking up early, we were both off today and I love doing everything together when we have the day off. That actually went well, it only took us about thirty minutes there, and then from that we went to my university, UTA, to check on my financial aid and finally change my last name for my school records. My name change went well, but their printer was broken so they couldn't print off my transcript for me to take to the community college that I am taking a summer class at...great. Then, I found out that there are no financial aid opportunities available for the summer, so my husband and I had to cancel our one year anniversay plans in order to start saving the $2022.00 it will cost for my summer classes. Believe me, it does get worse... I was so distressed that we weren't going to be able to make our plans happen for our anniversary because our honeymoon was shot when our car broke down in the desert in New Mexico and we had to stay in this little town, but that's a different story. Anyways, after we left UTA, feeling dismayed, I was still trying to look on the optimistic side, trying to search for anything to make this day better. As we were driving home in my husband's car, his air conditioner decides to stop working, and right as that happens, I get really nausious and start throwing up. It isn't even 9:00 in the morning yet. We derail our other plans and head home to rest. We watch a movie and take a nap until about 1pm. From there we wake up, eat lunch, and head to my car to go to walmart to go grocery shopping. When we get in my car, we realize that it won't start. Mind you that it hasn't been acting up at all and there was nothing leading me to believe that it was about to break down. So, still not trying to get too terribly upset, we get in my husband's car and go ot walmart. When we get there, we see our old neighbor...the crazy one who sent us stalker emails... We take an extra 30 minutes to walk around all of the different departments in hopes to not see her. Once we knew she had left, we go back to our shopping. We managed to spend pretty much what we had budgeted for and then head back home.

In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.
-Albert Einstein

The way I see it is that we make our own happiness. No matter what is going on around us, we have to see opportunities to love and see the good. There will always be difficulties, but what matters is how we handle the situation. The Bible says that God has all our our days written, and that He knows what every day will hold for us. We just have to believe that there is nothing that will happen that He knows we can't handle and just have faith that He will help us through it, no matter what it is.            

You are God alone, so I am not alone

These lyrics come from the song, I AM, by Bebo Norman.
I always love to listen to this song when I start to feel alone, or like I just want to give up!

Come along, I'll walk you through the world
And we will sing a different song
All along you have unfurled
But I will hold you from now on
I saw the day when you had lost your way
I saw the sun sinking low
I saw the night, remember how you cried
But don't you know you're not alone
No, you're not alone

I am in the sun, I am in the shade
I am in the light that love has made
I am in the cold, I am in the warm
I am in the center of your storm
I am in the fire, I am in the flood
I am in the marrow and the blood
When you cannot stand...I am

Come with me, I'll take you to the sea
And it will be all beautiful
And all the water that covers everything
Cannot compare to my love
FOr you my love

I am in the sun, I am in the shade
I am in the light that love has made
I am in the cold, I am in the warm
I am in the center of your storm
I am in the fire, I am in the flood
I am in the marrow and the blood
When you cannot stand...I am

WHen the light won't come
When your breath is gone
WHen your hope is done
Just look at me, look at me

I am in the sun, I am in the shade
I am in the light that love has made
I am in the cold, I am in the warm
I am in the center of your storm
I am in the fire, I am in the flood
I am in the marrow and the blood
When you cannot stand

I am in the sun, I am in the shade
I am in the light that love has made
I am in the cold, I am in the warm
I am in the center of your storm
I am in the fire, I am in the flood
I am in the marrow and the blood
When you cannot stand...I am

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love1 John 4:18

This last friday when I went to the Good Friday service, this scripture was laid on my heart. The pastor started talking about how Jesus was on the cross, and the people mocked Him. They told Him that if He was the son of God then he should send angels down from Heaven to help him down, but he didn't.

Now that I am about to be a Senior in college, I have so many fears. I fear that I won't graduate, and even if I do, I'm going to school to be a teacher, so will there even be a job for me?
There are so many other fears, but I know that they are pointless.

I keep telling myself, why would God keep me in school and make it possible for me to go every semester and graduate if it wasn't His intention for me to be a teacher? Why would I have so much passion and love for kids if I wasn't meant to be a teacher.

I fear failure for my future life and I fear the possiblity of not being a good parent. I fear not being the perfect wife and just not being the perfect person.

I know that these things are ridiculous, and that I should never have that much fear. If fear is in my heart and overtaking it, then how can I let love in? The Bible specifically says that we should not fear, and I realized that it is because if we have fear in our hearts, then we can not have love in our hearts.

Through writing this blog and just taking time to listen and clear my mind, I have realized so much about myself. I can tell that I have a lot to change and a lot to grow in. I know that I still have much more growing to do, more patience to learn, and more love to give.

7X70 times

Isn't this a difficult concept? I have probably tried forgiving my parents twice in my life. I always felt like the moment I forgive them, they do something to irritate me more. This song was very moving for me. It's by Chris August and it's called 7 times 70 times. He talks about the same experiences that I had growing up in a house with parents that fought and broke a family. It's so hard to know how to love when you aren't loved by your own parents. I know that it is by grace I have been saved! If it hadn't of been for my young self going to church and experienceing the beauty of Christ at such a young age, I probably never would have been able to learn to love. This is why this blog is so important for me. I want people to know that love is the deepest emotion a person can feel, it is also the emotion that people act on the most. Without it, a person simply can not live.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n5-Q1zAhqpA&feature=related

Love Never Fails

Growing up, I was never close with either of my biological parents. They both were more intersted in themselves than to care for my two younger sisters and me. I thank God everyday for the family he provided outside of my parents. My mother's side of the family became a stronghold for us. They became the source of light that was needed for this unconvential world that my sisters and I were being raised in. I saw more than most people see in their life by the time I was 10. I had seen my mother attempt to murder my father several times, I had seen my father drunk, high, and even both at the same time. I had met more drug dealers than your average dope head, and I had been abused by many of my parent's friends, both physically and emotionally. I am not sure what my sisters remember because they are about 4 and 5 years younger than me, but I know that these experiences have given us three girls a different look on life. When I was 10, my parents finally decided to get a divorce. Even though they had only been married for about 5 or 6 years, my father and mother just wouldn't and couldn't make it work.
             Why am I mentioning this small amount of detail you may be asking? It's because I wanted to shed light on the fact that my life has never been ideal. Despite all of the awful things that happened to my sisters and I, we still managed to find happiness in the every day. I always knew I was different from the other kids at school. I didn't know how, I just knew. It wasn't until I started experiencing the grace of God in about the 8th grade that I realized my life was special. My grandmother always told me about how when I was being christened the pastor that was holding me said there was something special about me. I had always thought she just told me that story because she was proud of me, but the more I felt God's presence, the more I knew I was set apart.
            I started feeling the need to get involved with my church's youth group in the 9th grade. I was immediately welcomed by it's members and felt like I finally had found a place where I belonged. By having all of those Christian friends, I started to feel my self-esteem rise. I joined the youth choir and started going to summer camp. I met my first boyfriend and I was thankful because besides my grand-father, he was the first Christian guy I had ever known. Even though our little relationship wasn't meant to last, I thank God for it because I know it was His way of showing me what a Christian guy should resemble, and what I needed to look for in my future relationships. Obviously I didn't want to be involved in any type of a relationship like that of my parents, but I didn't really know what to look for. By joining that group, I met so many amazing people. I fell in love with God and this group of friends he had me apart of. I felt, and I was so blessed to be surrounded by people who loved me in a Christ-like way. I didn't feel lonely anymore, and it made me start to realize what love is, and why it never fails!

busy...busy...busy

"Beware the barrenness of a busy life." Socrates

I have come to realize that being busy with life is making me miss life. Between school, work, packing for my move, and trying to balance my relationships, my mind is melting with exhaustion. I don't want to be sulky, but when life hands me lemons, I just get sour. I am usually the person who enjoys my freedom, I look forward to my days off and want so desperately to just go to an art museum and sit and stare at a painting. I want to go to the coffee shop around the corner and listen to the local music. I want to go to the beach and read my favorite book, or just lay on the couch and watch lifetime movies all day. I need quiet time in my life. I am a reflective person and I long for the days when I can just be quiet and think. Being busy though, makes that impossible. You are probably wondering what this has to do with love. I write this because it has come to my attention that the busier I get, the more self-consuming I become. I understand that the hustle and bustle is almost a requirement now days in order to "survive," but sometimes I want more than just to survive. I show love by helping and spending time with family and friends. When I don't have time to show my love and helpfulness, I tend to recoil in to my own being. My heart needs to show love, and without the time or energy to do it, I start to grow barren. I start to feel like I have no point in this life. If my purpose is to be love, then I need to love. In order to really feel like I'm living, I need to be love. I must find time in my chaotic life to be love.